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From a Crab's Perspective

by Ann Ulrich Miller

Posted on August 1, 2009 by Web Dreams


Whoa! Slow down... I feel as though I got on the merry-go-round and forgot how to step off. Or possibly it just kept going faster and faster and it wouldn't slow down enough for me to quit. I'm making myself dizzy.

In the last couple of months I've been trying everything I know to find employment after more than two years of staying home. It was difficult, at first, to adjust to a kind of "retirement," because I missed my job and the people. But it was important to give my full attention to my late husband and his care. It wasn't long before I got used to the leisure life and having all the time I wanted for writing and my favorite preoccupation-- "puttering"!

Last September things changed. With my late husband's passing, I had to sell our home and find a new means of earning a living. With no income, I naturally turned to the job market again and set my sights on returning to my beloved Colorado. My belief was that, with all my experience and skills, a job wouldn't be that difficult to obtain, no matter where I went.

I chose Pagosa Springs. It drew me here. Things just fell into place with the sale of my home in Ohio and finding this wonderful house I live in now. Jobs, however, didn't happen. After nearly three months, I find myself still at home, sending out resumes, scanning the paper and the Internet in my "job search." I'm not even that particular about what kind of job I get any more, as long as it provides W2 income and I can do it.

Attitude is a lot to do with outcome. I truly believe this. Let me give a couple of examples. A company here in town was looking for office help, so I drove over to hand in my resume. The owner took me aside and we did an impromptu job interview, in which I learned that the hours were more than I had thought they'd be, and I was suddenly plagued with doubts about working in that particular office. It didn't feel right. I'm sure I gave off vibes that said, "This woman doesn't want to work here." As a result they never called me in -- but I was grateful.

Next, I had applied for a full-time office position with a government agency, but it meant a commute of an hour and a half one way. I was scheduled for an interview, but as the time grew near, I began to fret and worry about leaving my home at 6 A.M. and not getting home until after 6 P.M. Monday through Friday. What would it be like in winter?

My worries must have sent a signal to the Universe. The day before the scheduled interview, I got a call from the human resources person, who told me the interview was cancelled and that they were no longer hiring for that position. I breathed a sigh of relief.

That same day, I got a call from a man I'd been trying to connect with for a part-time Web job advertised for weeks, right here in Pagosa Springs. He agreed to meet with me the next day. I was elated. But when we had our interview, I learned that the job description had changed and it was not what I desired, nor would it produce for me the needed W2 income. So, once again, my efforts fell through.

Friends began to tell me that I needed to expand my own business, and I came up with the idea of starting a light center here in Pagosa Springs. It has gotten some people excited, but I honestly don't know where that is going to lead at this time. It's not putting food on the table this moment. Next, I came up with a co-op idea to help other independent book publishers and self-published authors. It's a great idea, but my mind is whirling from all the planning and work I've put into these entrepreneurial ideas... again without anything to show for it.

I've somehow fallen into a "survival mode," where my creativity has been stifled. I haven't been able to work on any of my writing projects. I want to begin painting again, but I feel blocked. Even my Examiner column on relationships has suffered because of my state of mind. Fear of not having an income is leading me into insecure feelings and pulling me out of that important state of being known as "The Now."

I have another job interview scheduled next Monday with a school district. It means I may have to relocate to that community or commute 50 miles, something I don't want to do when it's winter. I've decided that this might be the right job for me, even though it's not in my field. I have a feeling that I would be good at this job and that I could help a lot of people and receive, in return, new experiences and valuable life lessons. I plan to walk into that interview with a positive attitude and a desire to get on with my life. I'm tired of riding the merry-go-round.

Check back for an update.


BE SURE TO CHECK OUT my new column at the Denver Examiner, where you can find articles on Relationship Transition.

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