MY LIFE 'ON HOLD'
All I can do is take each day as it comes. I suppose that's all
any of us can do, except that most people can make plans for their
future, such as vacations, and start carrying them out. I can't.
I'm stuck in this life that depends on another person. If I sound
like I'm complaining, I'm really not. I chose to be where I am
now, and it's really not that bad. Most my daily needs are met.
For more than a year now I've stayed home, and my main job has
been caregiver to my husband. A year ago he was doing well,
considering his disease, but now things are headed swiftly
downhill. There is no way to tell how much time is left for him,
for us... as sad as it is, I have been bracing myself for this a
very long time. But is anyone really ready to just let go?
From all I can see, he is not. He continues to fight, clinging to
life, determined to go on, making plans as if he's going to be
here for a long while yet. I don't reveal my true feelings, that I
suspect those hopes are futile. Oh, how I admire his spirit, this
soul mate/husband of mine... when I look at him and see
skin-and-bones where muscle used to be, I'm somehow able to see
through it all to the magnificent spirit of the man I fell in love
with. The feelings are still there.
My daily life comprises his needs. I must be nearby to
supply what he wants, and I try to make life as easy and
comfortable for him as possible. He sleeps a lot of the time, so I
have the time to myself to write, to do those things important to
me alone. My life centers around him right now. But I know one day
things will change and he will no longer be with me. How will I
feel then? How will I cope when I've had my best friend at my side
all these years?
A life "on hold" can be a good thing. I've had a well-deserved
break from a stressful life in which I balanced a job with my
writing career, esoteric and family life. The seclusion has been
healing, and productive as evidenced by my accomplishments in the
last year. So I can't really complain about it.
One day, when I'm free again to make plans and live my life
without constraints, I may look back at this period in my life and
remember how easy I had it. It's called "Living in the Now."
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